Working At It
by CBloom2
Summary: Ethan/Cal story (surprised?) Ethan hasn't got off as lightly as we might think from the accident - neither has Cal for that matter. I still think that there should be more fall out from the accident for Ethan and Cal, after all, he did nearly die! But he's back as if nothing has happened (unless some of you out there know different!) So I'm making up for it!


**HI, I'm back again with another little offering. It's another Ethan/Cal story simply because that's who I like the most - other characters pop in and out but everything is predominantly about those two. I still don't think that Ethan would just be alright after everything he went through (Cal either) so I'm making them suffer just a little bit more.**

**Still set after the accident and everyone is still trying to heal. Don't know how it'll play out in the show so if I inadvertantly spoil anything I apologise now!**

**So on with the story. I don't own anyone that you recognise from the show, I just like to dust them off once in a while.**

**Also this doesn't follow any of my other stories.**

**Working at it.**

"It should've been you Ash! You should've died, not Jeff!"

Dixie's anguished cry reverberated around the busy emergency department. Most of the staff stopped what they were doing, unable to comprehend what had just occurred. Zoe stopped in her track as she took in the unfolding scene, "Dixie?"

But Dixie was already on her way out, closely followed by a concerned looking Mac, who threw an apologetic glance Zoe's way.

Zoe was about to go after Ash, as people started milling about the department once more, but she caught a glimpse of Ethan Hardy, stood stock still, with his hand on the telephone, but the expression on his face was one of total disengagement from everything that was going on around him. She was fully aware of what had happened to him and that it was his first full day back at work, but the blankness of his stare was very worrying. She walked to the desk, "Ethan...Ethan...can you hear me?" She laid a hand on his arm and shook him gently, "Ethan," she shook him more vigoursly.

Suddenly he seemed to snap out of it, staring Zoe straight in the eyes, "It should have been me!"

He turned on his heel and strode off. Zoe watched him go, concern for the department as a whole soaring.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Charlie watching developments, the same look of concern etched on his face. She walked towards him, "Charlie...what is going on?"

"I told you we were struggling..."

"I can't believe Dixie," she stated, "Then Ethan just zoned out...he said that it should've been him that died."

"He was driving the people carrier...he has blamed himself ever since the accident, even though he was the one that nearly died," Charlie told her sadly.

"What can we do? Connie's not with it at the moment either, so it looks like it might be down to us," she lamented as she ran a hand through her hair.

"You talk to Ash - I'll talk to Cal about Ethan. He'll know how to handle his brother," Charlie assured the returning doctor.

"Are you sure? As I recall Ethan and Cal aren't exactly best buds," Zoe looked unconvinced.

"Nearly losing his brother had a huge impact on Cal - you wouldn't have recognised him these last few weeks - trust me.!"  
>"Always Charlie. Thanks. Tell Cal that if he thinks that Ethan came back to soon and needs more time, then he's to take it."<p>

Charlie smiled, "Leave it to me."

Charlie set off quickly to find Cal. He found him in resus pouring over some notes, "Cal, do you have a minute?"

The younger man looked up in confusion, "Erm, yes, of course..."

As he stepped through the doors, he immediately noticed the change in the atmosphere, "Charlie, what's wrong? Is Ethan alright?"

Charlie smiled slightly at how Cal's first concern was for his brother - a total turn around from just a few weeks ago, "He's alright...well I think so...he's kind of disappeared..."  
>"What?! What do you mean disappeared?" Cal was feeling edgy now, his brother had seemed fine the last time he saw him...about half an hour ago.<p>

"There was an altercation between Ash and Dixie near the nurses station, which culminated in Dixie shouting at Ash...she's still extrememly upset over Jeff..."

The younger man's expression was slowly turning from confustion to anxiety, "Zoe told me that Ethan was near them and that he 'zoned out', was how she put it, when she finally got his attention he said "It should have been me", then he took off. I thought it would be best to come to you because you know how to approach him at the moment. Zoe said that if you need to take him home, when you find him, then that's fine."

Cal listened to the older man quietly, taking everything in. He had thought that it might have been to soon for his brother to be back at work, but he was going crazy cooped up at home. He sighed deeply, "Thanks Charlie, I really appreciate it. I'd hoped he was over a lot of the guilt, but obviously it's still in there," he rubbed a hand over his face, "My patient is waiting to be taken to a ward so I'll go and look for him if that's ok?"  
>Charlie nodded, "Of course it is. He's a good doctor as well as a fine young man - I would hate for him to lose that."<p>

"Thank you Charlie," the younger doctor said as he began to stride up the stairs, two at a time...he had a fair idea of where his brother might be hiding.

Fortunately, it didn't take Cal long to find him. For some reason, whenever he felt stressed, Ethan would take himself off to the upstairs canteen and sit in the farthest corner he could find. Cal swung open the door, scanned the canteen, where sure enough he saw his brother in the shadows. He purchased two coffees, while fending off the concerns of the canteen staff, who all knew Ethan and were worried about him. He obviously just had that effect on people.

He set the coffees down on the table and took a seat opposite Ethan, who didn't even look up. Cal drew in a deep breath, "You want to talk about it?" He gently questioned.

"There's nothing to talk about, I'm fine," the younger man insisted.

"Of course you are. That's why you're curled up in a corner in here..."

Ethan did then look up. He looked around him confusion evident on his face, "How did I get here?" he asked his increasingly anxious brother.

"Well I'm assuming you walked up here, unless you've developed wings that I didn't know about," Cal tried to lighten the situation to hide his worry.

Ethan reached for his coffee, "My hands are shaking...why are they shaking?"

Cal sighed, being transported back in time momentarily, to the time when Ethan thought his big brother knew everything.

He sat for a few seconds watching the younger man wrap his hands around the cup and take a small sip.

"There was an argument in the ED - Ash and Dixie- apparently you zoned out and then told Zoe that it should...it should have been you!" Cal choked out the last part, feeling a tear fall down his face.

Ethan gaped at his brother for a second, then it came flooding back, "Dixie was yelling at Ash. She said that he killed Jeff...that he wouldn't have been there at all if he hadn't had to get him out...she said...she said that it should have been him who had died in the crash, not Jeff...but..."

Ethan placed the cup on the table as the shaking intensified, "I was driving Cal, I was responsible for getting us there safely - so if anyone should have died, it should have been me...I couldn't keep them safe..." Now a single tear tracked down the younger doctors face.

Silence lingered between them for a while, due to the fact that unknown to Ethan, his brother was quietly breaking down, "Don't you say that..." Cal growled, "Don't you ever say that again."

Ethan was taken aback by the anger in the older man's voice. He was even more shocked when he saw the tears sliding down his brothers face, unhindered.

"For the last time Ethan, it wasn't your fault. There were four other people in your car and not one of them saw it coming! Jeff died doing the job he loved - he always put himself in harms way for anyone who needed his help...it's what he did. But...I...I nearly lost you. You were right in front of me and I nearly lost you," Cal's voice cracked as the stress and the worry over his brother finally overflowed.

"Cal...I..."

"No Ethan, you need to listen now! I understand how you must be feeling, I do, but I can't have you wishing that you had died in his place - I can't take it. I had to see you laid out in front of me, covered in blood. I had to stick a needle almost into your heart to save your life! I know we haven't always seen the best in each other, but...God...seeing you like that..." Tears were still cascading down his cheeks, "And now you're telling me that you wished you'd died? You know what you are Ethan - you're selfish!" Cal spat out.

Ethan stared hard at his brother, finally realising, in that instant, that Cal was right, he was being selfish. It wasn't actually just about him. The last few weeks had proved to him just how much his brother cared about him. He'd now got an opportunity to make a relationship with his brother - an opportunity that he wouldn't have had had he perished in the crash.

He suddenly sat up straighter and sent a silent prayer of thanks to Jeff.

"You're right Cal," he told the older man quietly. Cal wiped his eyes and stared at his younger brother, immediately noticing the change in his demeanor.

"Although, I have to say that it seems a bit rich coming from you, but you're right," he smiled, "I have been selfish. I didn't think about how it was affecting you. I suppose I have spent so long not caring about your thoughts and feelings...ah that doesn't sound right...but I've only had myself to think about for a good few years," Cal nodded his understanding, "I can't imagine what it must've been like for you on that day. I'm sorry Cal, truely I am and I want you to know that I am eternally grateful for everything you've done for me, and are still doing - and although I'm still struggling to get past the guilt - I promise you that I will work at it."

"That's all I needed to know Eth. That you wouldn't give up. And I will work at becoming a better person and a better brother, " Cal promised.

Ethan gently nudged his brothers hand, "You already are Cal," he insisted.

The younger doctor got to his feet and placed a hand on his brother's shoulder, "Come on we've been gone long enough."

"You sure you're up for it?" Cal queried.

"With you watching my back? Definitely!"

**Well that's it! Might be to long but I couldn't work out where to cut it - so I didn't! I will be back when the inspiration grabs me once more - you have been warned! *inserts evil laugh***


End file.
